How would you feel in your life if you knew no matter what emotion you felt you did? Okay, am I feeling uncomfortable or is that a feeling of fear, or is that hurt feeling or an anger, type of feeling or frustrated type of feeling or disappointed or guilty or inadequate or overloaded or lonely feeling? How would you feel if you knew in a moment or two you could instantly get out of that feeling? No matter how intensity then, whatever useful then stick with me? Okay, because I know this may seem a little bit cumbersome first, listen to me carefully at any moment, you feel any emotion.
The first step you’re, going to always want to take to mask your emotions. First, step always will be to identify the signal. What I mean by identify the signal is figure out. If you’re having a feeling which one of these categories does it go into so let’s.
Take a look at how this might work, let’s say something happens between you and a loved one and as a result, you feel rejected. You look at your list of ten here and you say rejected not on your Tony small step.
Number one is identify which category at most fits well. When you feel rejected, you really could feel a lot of things about that rejection. You might feel uncomfortable. You might feel actually hurt, or you might feel angry about it or as a result of rejection.
You might feel lonely. What I’m trying to do is get down to the core emotion. That really is controlling you, rather than just this giant word called rejection, which really isn’t the essence of what you’re feeling.
As you go down, you look through your list and by the way I know you’re, not good at this list. Yet because it’s brand-new, but you’ll memorize it simply by listening this tape. Over and over again by the end of this conversation, hopefully you’ll, know the ten I’ll, keep saying them again for repetition sake.
What we’re, going to call them from now on is action. Signals because that’s, exactly what they do. They are signals for you to take action to reevaluate the way you’re, perceiving something or the way you’re, proceeding the way you’re, communicating your feelings to other people or the way you’re Behaving around other people or situations, in other words they’re, going to tell us we got to make a change in order to get what we really want and that’s.
What these action signals are all about, not negative. They’re, not bad. They’re there to serve us, but for now let’s. Come back to the example. We said step number one that always is identify the signal that simply means where does it fit in here? So in this example, we & # 39.
Ve said that rejection really was just uncomfortable for you. Maybe what happened is you turn to kiss your husband or wife and they were busy reading or writing or something and they didn’t really reciprocate? You felt you know what kind of comfort about that you didn’t feel lonely.
You didn’t feel hurt. You didn’t feel angry. It’s, a little uncomfortable, the signal of being uncomfortable. It’s, calling to your attention a message and the message of uncomfortable feelings is one realize you need to change your state, the right now, no matter what happens in the state, you’re in you’re, not going To appreciate it, you’re, not going to be resourceful and understanding what things really mean say.
For example, you’re feeling in a state of being uncomfortable about that. You’re, going to start hallucinating well, gosh, my husband or wife. You know they didn’t. They weren’t really loving to me. You know that means they’re, not interested in me anymore.
Does that mean that you know that our relationships, not as strong, we tend to hallucinate when we get an unrestored state? So when you feel uncomfortable first message from that signal is hey change.
Your state second clarify what you want immediately. You got to clarify what you want that’s. What the signal is trying to tell you so yeah don’t just get in comfortable. What do you want if you want your husband or wife, to be closer to get clear? That’s.
What you want and step three immediately take action in that direction, and the way to take action in that direction is communicate your desire or do something that expresses it, make sure you do something until you achieve what you want and you’re.
No longer uncomfortable it’s literally that simple don’t just sit around and go gosh. I feel bored I feel foolish, I feel insecure. You know I feel kind of rejected. I feel uncomfortable say great. I need to change my state.
The fact that I’m uncomfortable is a signal. It’s, giving me a message to immediately change my state to clarify what I want and three take action in that direction. If you do that, you conquer this motion immediately let’s say you felt rejected to the point where you called it hurt.
You really felt hurt inside well what’s, the message of hurt when you feel the sensation, you call hurt feelings that signals giving you a different message and the message there is that there’s, an expectation you have that’s not been met, and you have a sense of loss that’s.
Why it’s more intense than just being uncomfortable, feel like you’ve, actually lost something now a challenge with this. As with all these emotions is that, when you identify the message, you must immediately clarify what has to be changed whenever you have what you used to call a negative emotion, you’re now going to call an action signal.
You know that that action signal signal you need to change one of two things: either your perception or your procedure. I want to clarify what I mean by that your perception might be, for example, that gosh, you feel hurt.
You feel like your husband, doesn’t love you so much anymore. A wife, doesn’t love you so much anymore because gosh when you first met boy, all you had to do is you know, look at them and they drop the newspaper and came over and hugged you now they don’t.
You have a sense of loss and that hurts you inside and that hurt is a lot more painful than the feelings of just being uncomfortable. The point, though, is this: is this an appropriate emotion for you to feel based on this situation and this time with this person that’s, really the question we want to ask ourselves whenever we have an emotion, we know that we have that signal.
We need to first identify it and then secondly, immediately appreciate the signal is offering us a message and the messages we need to change again, our perception or procedures. So our perception might be person doesn & # 39.
T love me: do we need to change our perception? Do we have some rules that are inappropriate in this situation, and the answer here probably is yes, when you agree, this person is just wrapped up on what they’re doing because they’re just immersed it doesn’t Mean they love you any less.
What this emotion is telling you is, you need to change your perception, because otherwise you’re, going to feel pain for no reason. You might also look at the same situation as a symbol that you need to change.
Your procedure procedure means the way you’re, proceeding with this information. In other words, what this may be is a signal to you that you really aren’t communicating your real needs to your husband or your wife.
Maybe what you need to do is change your procedure and instead of feeling hurt, or instead of feeling uncomfortable, terney, husband or wife and say honey, you know I know you’re wrapped up in your work.
I know you’re totally immersed. I know you’re, trying to do stuff to support the whole family here. You know what I just need. You know three minutes with just you just you and I because I really need right now to just feel loved by you.
I need to hold you like me to feel connected to you now if that person starts to get upset. Obviously you’re. Getting feedback that your procedure still didn’t work. You have to be a little more flexible, more creative or maybe a little bit more loving in the way you do it or maybe change the timing.
What you go about something, but that’s, changing procedure, changing the way you communicate or another way of changing procedure might be it’s, a signal it says, but the way you’re, communicating your husband or wife, doesn’t, make them want to make you feel loved right now that your present behavior may be turning them off.
For example, let’s say you feel rejected by them, because when you come in the door they don’t rush up and give you a hug. They’re immersed in something. Now. How do you respond to that? Well, what a lot of people do when they feel rejected, is they feel uncomfortable with it or they feel hurt, or some people get angry when they feel rejected.
Now, what’s? The message of anger, the message of anger? Is you have a standard for your life, something that’s, important to you and it’s not being met by another person or maybe even not being met by you? Sometimes I get angry because we’re, not living.
Our own standard time, so let’s say as a result. One of your standards is that people who love you they run up and they greet you in your home. They don’t. Do that today we & # 39. Ve got angry, one of your standards has been violated, something you believed important is not happening, and now you’re angry about it.
How do you respond out of your spouse? Who doesn’t even know what’s going on? Maybe you give them a dirty look, or maybe you make some snide remark or you find something wrong with what they’re doing.
As a result, this person may very well purposely reject you now, when you’re feeling this rejection and you’re feeling this hurt or there’s. Anger – and you say, okay, this anger means I have a message here – a signal signals.
I need to change either my perception or my procedure. Maybe you, don’t need to change your perception. Maybe they really are rejecting you deliberately. Maybe the procedure is not only how you communicate, but how you’re behaving, and you need to look and say you know I’m, not treating this person in a very loving way.
No wonder they’re. Giving me this feedback, I need to change me. They follow me so far, so we’re, always getting the message. We’re, identifying the signal we’re, appreciating the message and knowing the message is telling us even you change our perception or our procedure way.
We’re communicating the way we’re behavior. I know this. May sound complex at first, but I believe it’s, tape back and listen this little section a couple of times you’ll get this down. I want to change you to my perception on my procedure.
The way I’m communicating this person or the way I’m behaving or just the way I’m, looking at the whole darn thing and making it so I don’t have pain. I need to look at things, communicate or behave in a new way, that’s, the message of pain.
Let me say that again, because I think you’ll get this one. If you’re feeling pain, it’s, a message. You need to change the way you’re looking at things and therefore what they mean to you or change the way you’re, communicating your desires or needs to someone, especially if the pain involves somebody else or change the way you’re behaving the way you’re, treating others, and that will get you a new response.
That’s an essence. The basis of all these passion messages they’re telling you you got to set a new outcome and move in a new direction. Otherwise you’re, going to stay in pain and by the way, let me mention something to you.
If you ignore a message, if you ignore one of these signals on these action signals, whether it be the signal feeling, hurt or fearful or angry or frustrated, disappointed or overloaded, that signal doesn’t go away, it intensifies you’ll, feel Even more hurt even more angry it intensifies until one day you get smart enough, say hey.
I got to change something I got to change my expectations. The way I’m evaluating this thing. The way I’m, looking at things the way I’m feeling about it or the way I’m communicating what I need are going to change the way on behaving period.
I’m, going to keep feeling this until I make one of those three changes. It’s that simple. Next, once you’ve identified the signal ie you’ve, been identified. You said I was feeling rejected and what that really means is I’m feeling uncomfortable or it really means I’m feeling heard or angry or lonely or whatever.
Then. The second step is appreciate. The message, respect that emotion, don’t make your emotion wrong. So many times they said well, I don’t want to feel rejected, or I don’t want to feel bad or I don’t feel angry at all.
This will hurt don’t. Do that appreciate, it has a message for you. It means you’ve got to change, but it also means something very specific, depending upon which emotion of these ten categories, so before we go any further, let me review with you what the messages are that each one of these ten signals is giving You we & # 39.
Ve already said that if you’re uncomfortable, the message is simple: you got to change. Your state clarify what you want and take action in the direction of what you want and immediately you won’t be uncomfortable anymore.
If you’re feeling category number two emotions of fear, whether it be concern or apprehension or worry, or anxiety, or scared or frightened or terrified, no matter what intensity it is any one of those still are fearful.
Emotions and fear. Emotions deliver one message to us: we need to prepare ourselves to deal with something or to avoid the negative consequences of something that’s, coming up something that’s about to happen, a situation or event.
Basically, fear is get prepared. Bird get yourself, so you can deal with something and that’s, a valuable message: isn’t it now. The problem is what most of us do? Is we get fearful and we don’t. Take the message we to try to deny the fear and act like we’re real, strong and all it does is get stronger and stronger or worse.
We just surrender the fear and we don’t get the message all we do is we get caught up in the emotion and we get more and more scared and we amplify it. We start thinking of the worst that can happen rather than figuring out.
Okay. What do I need to do to be prepared to avoid the negative consequences and make this work? For example, people have fear of failure that’s, a valuable fear. It’s, saying get prepared, so you won’t fail, for example, you might have a fear because the IRS is coming to visit you and you get a note in the mail.
You get this feeling of anxiety. That’s, probably useful fear. It’s. Probably saying to you: hey you better! Go! Get all your paperwork in order. If you didn’t have that message. It wasn’t painful enough.
You might Slough it off, they might show up and it may cost you a lot of money, not because you weren’t accurate or honest, because you weren’t prepared sending happens. If somebody asks you to give a speech – and you know fear inside, maybe it grows into anxiety, the more intense it gets.
The more we tend to surrender to the emotion, rather than get the message that’s, why we may want to convert fear and say well, I’m a little concerned. What I’m concerned about is, I need to prepare for the speech, so I do the best possible job and I’ll, feel confidence that a fearful now again with each of these emotions.
We want to hear the message and sees the message appropriate. You may already be prepared. You may be as prepared as you can get there’s, a limit to what you can do right there’s, a point. We have to have some faith at that point.
You might just have to say you know what this is. A message I need to change my perceptions, not my procedures. I’m prepared by my procedures. I know what to do. I know how to do it, but I got to stop focusing on this thing being the worst possible situation.
I just needed to decide to become confident now to focus on it working instead of it not working the third category of emotions, those of hurt feelings, give us a signal and a message that says you have an expectation that’s not been met And you have a feeling of loss ie, you expected somebody to keep their word and they didn’t that hurt your feelings or you expected someone never to share something that you told them privately, and you told somebody else and now you feel hurt You feel a sense of loss of intimacy with them or loss of trust, and that sense of losses will create that feeling of hurt inside of us.
What do we need to do? It tells us immediately. We have to evaluate. Is there really a loss here again? Do we need to change our perception? Maybe it just didn’t communicate to this person that when you told them this, you wanted to keep this information private.
Maybe I lost anything. Maybe you just have to change your way of communicating your needs or again change your behavior. The next category is anger: that’s, the fourth category and again, emotions like irritation or feeling livid or furious, or enraged or resentful all of these fit into this category.
Any of these emotions are simply signals. Giving you a message – and the message here is that an important rule that you have in your life has been violated by someone else or maybe even by you see when we think something is really important and somebody violates that rule.
We get upset about it. How we deal with that upset will determine a great deal, how much pain or pleasure we really experience in our lives and how close we get to other people, how much we push them away from us.
In other words, if somebody violates your standards, that’s, the message, what you’re supposed to do with that message, is real, simple, communicate that you have a standard, communicate that you know it’s only your rule, it Isn’t necessarily their rule, but you need their help.
So if we use the earlier example where you shared something in confidence with someone, but you didn’t tell them what was in confident. You expected them to know that, and you didn’t just feel hurt. You felt angry about it.
Then the bottom line is instead of beating that person up you need to go to that person and communicate in a different way right change. The way you’re, communicating change your procedure and say you know, I know you didn’t understand this to be private, but this is really important to me and you need to deal with it as quickly as possible.
Anger is usually an outgrowth of hurt, in other words, when you’re hurt, you have a feeling of loss, something you expected. Didn’t work out when you’re angry. It’s because it’s, something you think is really important.
That wasn’t handled or you’ve got a lot of hurts that have built up and you’ve, not expressed them. You’ve, not communicated them, so anger is usually signal, something you believe is really important has been violated by someone or yourself or that you’ve, had a lot of hurts that you’ve, not expressed that have built Up until their anger, how do you deal with it change your perception? Maybe this person wasn’t trying to hurt you at all change your procedure communicate better.
What your real needs are or change. Your behavior tell people up front hey. This is private promise me, you won’t share those in anybody because it’s real important to me. Either way you’ll, get out of your anger quickly.
It’s. Simply a signal that says you need to clarify whether the people, what your rules are and get them to agree to meet them or you need to compromise them. Possibly, you know some things you get angry about.
You’re, going to get angry about for the rest of your life and you better identify those things and realize that those are just your standards. They’re, not everybody standards, and if you go around being upset because everyone doesn’t live by your rules, you’re, going to be upset your whole life.
So again, maybe you need to change your perceptions. Change your rules, so the life is a lot simple and a lot less painful for you, the fifth category of emotions, frustration, these action signals are telling you you need to change your approach to achieving your goal.
Whatever you’re going after you’re, not going to get it the way you’re, doing it right now that’s. Why you’re frustrated! You keep trying to get the same result by doing the same thing. Over and over again, there was a definition given a long time ago about insanity, it’s.
An insanity is attempting to get a new result by doing the same thing. Over and over again it’ll, never work, so you & # 39. Ve got to change your approach when you feel frustrated just know: hey that’s, a message.
I got to change my approach. I need to be more flexible in the situation. Category number six disappointment. If you start to feel disappointed, that’s, a signal and that signals are bringing you a message, and the message is that you need to realize an expectation.
You had an outcome. You’re going after is not going to probably happen unless you change your expectation and make it more appropriate for the situation at hand. In other words, maybe you wanted something to happen in too short a period of time realized.
Disappointment says you need to change your expectations and you simply your view of things and come up with a more appropriate outcome for the time that you have involved the people you have involved.
A situation have involved so that’s. The message listen to it: utilize it don’t, keep read experiencing disappointment and stacking it. You feel overloaded overwhelmed or hopeless or inadequate, but your emotions we’ll talk about later, but first let’s.
Talk about the next one, the seventh major category of emotions are guilt or regret. Emotions hey when you & # 39, ve got feelings of guilt, regret lot of people say well, don’t feel guilty about anything.
Garbage guilt serve you. If you hear the message and the message of guilt is really simple, it says you violated one of your own standards and you must do something a me to ensure that you’re, not going to violate again in the future.
That’s, why you have the pain of guilt now, what most people do is they do one or the other? They either deny the guilt take themselves out of it, and don’t feel guilty at all, which you know. I agree.
You shouldn’t stay in guilt, but if you just deny the guilt and don’t get the message. The guilts going to come back. It’ll, get you sooner or later it’s back there. It’s deep, it’s, dark it’ll get you so it had fear.
Maybe you should turn that fear into getting the message instead of being overwhelmed and again surrendering the guilt that’s, the other extreme people just walk around me and they allow themselves in to feel inferior for the rest of their life.
They feel so regretful about what they once did. That is not the purpose of guilt. It’s to make sure you clean up your act. It’s to make sure that you don’t violate this again. It’s that you make things right when you screw up that’s.
What you got to do now, sometimes you can’t. Sometimes someone has passed away or something’s occurred where you feel guilty about something happen to pass. You really can’t change. The only thing you can change is your present and future behaviors.
When you do that, you can let go of the guilt, but that’s, the message it offers you and again when you immediately feel the signal. What do you do you identify the signal and you realize hey, I’m feeling regret or I’m feeling guilt.
Secondly, you appreciate the message: it’s, a message that says you need to change something: either your perception or your procedures. Maybe you’re feeling guilty about something you shouldn’t feel guilty about it all.
Have you ever done that I know I have, I guess felt guilty one time, because I didn’t help. Somebody feel happy enough. I used to run around if everybody around me wasn’t happy. I feel guilty if I felt good how stupid we don & # 39.
T want to fall into that category. You might want to change your rules or your perceptions, or you might need to change your procedures again. Maybe the procedure is, you feel guilty about the way you communicate to somebody.
You were too harsh, go back and clean it up say I’m. Sorry, I didn’t mean to do this. I really regret what I said. I was wrong or the guilt will disappear or change your behavior in the future change the way you’re, going to communicate to that person or people like them.
Any one of these three changes again will immediately eliminate the guilt and then guilt to serve a good purpose. Hasn’t, it kept you on track. It’s, moved you forward it’s made you a better person that’s.
Why it’s there, utilize it don’t wallow in it. Let’s. Go to category number. Eight, an adequacy for, if you feel inadequate, those are any of those emotions again that make you feel like you’re less than being unworthy, for example, would be inadequate feelings whenever you feel this emotion or emotion like it, get excited appreciate it’s, offering you a message and the message it’s offering you is simple: it’s saying you need to do something to get better in this category right away it doesn’t mean you have to be Perfect at it and adequacy just says you & # 39.
Ve got to do something. Don’t sit on your Duff anymore. You’re feeling inadequate cuz, you haven’t done anything to be really good in this area. Now the first you got to do is as you go through this process is: ask yourself: is this really an appropriate emotion that is? Am I really an adequate or do I need to change the way I’m, perceiving things? Maybe I got some rules that say in order to me to be adequate, you know I have to go on the dance floor and outdo John Travolta, because that’s, probably inappropriate perceptions.
You need to change the perceptions or maybe changing the procedures, which is, I need to prepare myself by doing something right now to get better. One thing you could do is just go practice. One thing you do is go out and initiate some communication, so inadequacy is a message to get up and do something to become better or to change your criteria.
To look at what you’re doing and make it easier for yourself to feel adequate. You’ve, probably got rules that are too harsh. Now category number nine. This is one of the categories that I think immobilizes and destroys more people’s lives than virtually any of the others combined, and that is a feeling of being overloaded or overwhelmed or hopeless or depressed they all fit together.
I use overloaded to make it sound simpler because if you say gosh, I’m depressed, you & # 39. Ll immediately feel much more intensity. If you say I’m overloaded. The key here is to realize that this is a signal when you go hopeless, depressed overwhelmed or overloaded.
The message that’s, offering you it is that you need to reevaluate what’s most important to you in this situation, sit down right now and decide what is absolutely important. What’s, the necessity for you versus what’s? The desire write down all the things that are most important for you to accomplish, then to put them in order of priority and then three take the first one on your list and do something about it.
It’s, the same thing with depression. The same thing for being hopeless, sit down and say: okay, instead of saying it’s hopeless. I need to change my state number one that’s. Always the message of all these emotions number two: I got to clarify what’s most important to me.
Write it all out three: what’s, the order of the importance and for what’s? The first thing on my list: let me go, handle that the minute you go handle anything and you deal with one simple issue: your brain can handle it, and as soon as you handle that situation, you will feel like you’re control of your World you will not feel overloaded, you will not feel overwhelmed.
You & # 39, ll feel like there’s. Hope and you won’t feel depressed. Your self-esteem grows when you do something to take control of events. Instead of events. Take control of you and all you have to do.
Take control of vince’s, chunk them down pick one thing and master it. The message is simple: you’re, trying to do too much and too short a period of time. You’re looking at the whole world and expecting everything to be perfect overnight and you’re feeling like you can’t handle it all chunk it down here’s.
The final category, category 10 feeling lonely, have you ever felt, really lonely gosh. I don’t. Think there’s. Anybody alive who hasn’t, but what is it meaning when you feel lonely? What is the message that you should get from that signal? I think the message is really simple: what we really need at that moment, the message is telling us: we need a certain connection with people.
The challenge with that message is a lot of times. People take the word connection or the idea of the need for connection or another human being, and they make it into a sexual connection or instant intimacy, and then they feel frustrated, because even when they have that they still feel lonely.
What we really need to do is identify what kind of connection maybe you do need an intimate connection. Maybe just need some basic friendship or someone to listen to or somebody to laugh with or someone to talk to it’s real important.
We, the lonely, just say hey. This is really neat. What’s, great about being lonely, as it says, I really care about people. I love to be with people. I need to find out what way I want to be with somebody right now and then take an action immediately to go in the direction we want.
In other words, all 10 of these emotions are a message to our brain to say: hey what you’re doing right now, isn’t working and you need to change it. He’s, a change, your perception and change. What criteria you’re using your way of looking at things that makes you feel this way, because your perception is not appropriate or change.
What you’re, communicating you’re, not communicating things in a way where people know your needs or just change your behavior. What you’re, doing, isn’t working change, your approach, every feeling you have good or bad is not based on the actual reality of life, but rather your interpretation as to what things mean.
Remember nothing. Life has any meaning except the meaning you give it. So if you don’t like the way you’re feeling change the meaning. If somebody passes away, you really cared about them, they died. You can feel really bad.
You can feel disappointed, you can feel frustrating feel angry, even feel hurt. You can feel sad and all those are appropriate emotions, but make sure you take a message from it and the message you got eventually come out where there’s.
What’s, an empowering way of looking at this? What else could this mean? Maybe it doesn’t mean that I just lost somebody. Maybe it means this person is gone someplace they need to be, or maybe this means my connection will be even stronger with them now and when they were here.
Maybe this means I will value my own life and give them along here, because I realize that life is delicate, choose meanings that empower you in life, that of assuming that meaning disempowering the final message to amend: [, Music ], [ Applause, ], [, Music, ],