You know I I personally believe in our soul. Everybody wants that experience of aliveness. So I’m, not just about marriages. I had four different fathers, so I know the impact that things can come from being in a position where families don’t stay together, but frankly I wouldn’t have changed it.
You know to see my mother miserable and unhappy to stay with somebody, which is what she did with one of those relationships for ten years. I wouldn’t want to see her do again, so I’m, not for the institution by itself.
I’m, not for the relationship. I’m for the people in it and what I really believe, though, is it’s, a critically important institution, and I’ve supported, amazingly, but I want to make sure that the people within it don’T just settle for being able to say I’m still married to me that’s, not an accomplishment.
You know I really go. I say that also because you know a bad sense of aliveness affects your kids as much as anything else as well, and so I really. I really believe that any relationship can be brought to love and passion again.
But the challenge, of course, is that most people today have a perspective and expectation where the highest end that they have is not for themselves, but what they expect for an apartment. And I think that’s.
The number one reversal that has to occur in any relationship for things to transform that what’s long as we’re? Looking at what am I getting out of a relationship, then we’re gonna be disappointed. We’re gonna be frustrated.
We’re gonna have challenges, and so my view of things is to shift that with people and to do in a very practical way is to really shift both parties, but also I focus on both male and female. But it is true that most men, I really do care, but they don’t.
They’re, not armed with the understanding of females, but I think understanding that and being actually applying it in an impactful way or two different things, and I think the awareness is the first step, but then training yourself.
So you can feel successful because most men and I think to some extent great deal of women today – do not feel this is their. They could be successful. And when you talk to people about the area’s, their life, that they feel strongest in you’ll, almost always find they’re stronger in their career.
They’re stronger in the relationship with their kids. They’re stronger, even in their body than they are in their relationship, and it’s because it’s so difficult when you’re. Dealing with a person who is, you know, got all these energies and thoughts and feelings that are completely different than you and simultaneously.
You know you have a love for them, but also you’re facing the deep fear that everybody has underneath and that fear is that that level at last and when that happens, people start to really break up inside.
So when I thought you know, my excitement is to talk about the subject and to really try and serve you. My challenge is the shortest summoner. I usually do is 50 hours 5-0, because I don’t believe in getting up and just speaking and sharing a principle or something like that.
What I really believe in is doing it, so I’ll, take people in a weekend and we’ll talk about the principle and then boom we go after it so that it gets in your body. We do it enough times, so you’re doing it.
You’re, not just thinking it. So you know the short little time we have here. Doesn’t come close to that, but I think I & # 39. Ve got a format of some things I can introduce you to so. First, I want to thank you for the privilege to be here.
Second, I’ll. Tell you in advance that I’m gonna try and cover a lot of Terry in a short period of time, but also in doing so. I’d like to make it more active and what I mean by that is when I look around and I see the challenges that most people have in relationship, I think the number one challenge is something I’ve, seen for 30 Years and I don’t just see it relationship, I’ve, always wanted to know the answer to a question then obsessed by the question of what makes the difference in people’s lives.
You know I grew up very poor. I’m. Talking to my fourth father and I’m. Saying mom, I’m confused people. I was not popular in school. I love people, so I was passionate about figuring out. What’s, the difference in people? You know, why is it that some people are given everything you know the type they really do have parents that love them that are there for them.
They have tremendous educational background, they have all the economic resources and they end up spending life going in and out of a rehab. So now they have all the resources. And then you need somebody who & # 39.
S been, you know, abused or no one’s been there for them, or they’ve, been physically abused or sexually abused, or the first things you could possibly happen to a human being and they turn out to be some of the Finest human beings, you’d, ever meet in your life, who are out there working to help other people and make a difference.
So we all want to believe that our lives have turned out because of our biography and the reality is. We can all find people with a horrible biography of an extraordinary life and we have people with an extraordinary biography who have a life that none of us would want a trade with.
So what’s, the real challenge? I believe that the challenge in relationships and at life in every area is emotional Fitness that it starts with how emotionally fit you are in a relationship, and there are patterns that make people emotionally unfit.
There are patterns that make people frustrated. There are patterns that make people depressed. There are atoms that make people angry. They’re patterns that make people feel sorry for themselves and they’re, also patterns that make people compassionate playful, physically passionate, emotionally strong.
You know there are different patterns and they stand out to you when you’ve been around that many people, so I’ve had now 50 million people get my books and tapes, but I’ve, been with three million People face to face from 80 countries, so when you’re around those many people, the pattern becomes clear and I’ve been able to use those patterns and that’s.
What I want to kind of expose you to tonight and frankly, you know, I think these patterns are common sense, but you know how many of you noticed. The common sense is not to comment. Oh yeah, that’s simple, but you know why people say I know this stuff.
Well, if you’re, not doing it, you don’t know it. You understand it and understanding and three dollars will almost get you a cup of Starbucks these days. You know it’s really nice to understand things, but that doesn’t change.
Anything you got to get your body and actually do it, but I’ve learned enough of these patterns that now, over the last you know, 20 years or so of the 30 years of my career, that I’m, the guy that Gets the call when the fire starts? You know when the athlete is burning down on national television and something’s.
Gon na be done right now to turn them around, and you know I need to get them or I don’t, and for 30 years I’ve gotten them that’s. How I’ve got my reputation and if you & # 39, ve got to produce results right now and I’m able to do that because of an understanding of these need structures.
I’m, going to talk to you about, or I get the call when the child is going to commit suicide or the adult, and in 30 years you know knock on wood. I & # 39. Ve never lost one suicide in 30 years that doesn’t mean I won’t someday, but I never have that one single time out of the thousands of suicide attempts and it’s again, because I’M understanding these needs.
I’m, going to talk to you about. I get the phone call you in the middle of night, true story in surprise, United States saying Tony: they’re gonna impeach me in the morning. What should I do, and I say, did you called me sooner true story, so in the experience of looking to make those changes and looking at how to change same thing in relationships, you know couples that are gone.
The films that I wanted to make with Chloe’s and let’s not make settles with couples that have troubles. Let’s. Make couples that look like they’ve gone beyond the edge by anybody’s estimate there’s, no way to turn it around because by that extreme, when some watches the film they look at their own life, they go.
Oh, my god, these people can do it. They did hear. I could do it too, that’s, the contrast, if you want, but the basis of all that I do comes down to knowing that the difference in your life, your relationship, your physical life, your emotional life, any aspect of your life comes down.
This sense of psychological strength or emotional fitness, and what I mean by that is this: let’s, go straight to relationship for a second. What is relationship really about intimate relationship? Well, I live in a friendship, the only difference being a friendship and an intimate relationship should be intimacy, which is what I call it.
Love and passion, so just hanging out together for the sake of the kids is not something we’re talking about. Now, if you’re gonna, have that incredible relationship. It’s all based on emotion. It doesn’t base little logic when you fall in love with somebody.
Don’t make a checklist. Think! Oh, I like this hate that this is good hate, that this is good. Don’t like that. How do you fall in love? What do you do you focus on every little thing you could possibly like or love about this person.
You fully associate to it every way you tell all your friends until you make them sick and you’re talking about this. I know, but he does that that’s, an amazing you’re talking about. Are you thinking about him and you put whole bottles of Cologne on and in middle of the night? You know you take extra showers middle of the night.
You’re thinking about it. You calm up with two o’clock in the morning. You go. I was just thinking about. You started, call so late, but what you thinking about me – and they say yes, you like who’s, been there right, man say! Ah, yes, now, if you know raise your hand, we really have problems for you at this stage right.
So what’s interesting? Is that experience? How long does it last that was really long quiet answer that one? Can it lasts forever? Yes or no? Yes or no notice, I got people that work with people and their relationship saying no, that’s, not encouraging.
Yes, because many people in this field think oh no, that that that’s, a phase in the relationship that phase you know where everything is just level uh beautiful and you know having that expectation. Is you know that’s? What’s wrong with people you lower their expectation to get realistic about marriage? That is not what it’s about.
I want to tell you something I’ve spent the last 20 years of my life interviewing people that are having amazing relationships, who’ve, been together, 20, 30 and 40 years, and they don’t just hang out.
They love each other and they’re passionate for each other passionate. I interviewed a couple came to one of my seminars: it wasn’t, a relationship seminar and their I program. I called do call date with destiny that I do it’s a six day program and for five days in a row.
This couple sat in the front row. He was 92 years old, she is 89 and they are playing so full-out. I mean so full hours, life seminars not about just sitting and listening. We do stuff and but during any break or sense of a break, they were touching each other hold each other and it was getting out of controls like get a room and so a little distracted here you know so fondly.
I said I stopped everything I was doing and I said I want to interview you to come up here on stage. I brought them on stage got two chairs and I said I would understand something I see you guys are married how many years 52 years, that’s amazing.
Now, clearly you love each other, but it appears you also love each other and they said. Oh yes, I said you guys seem to have a lot of passion for each other and they both said. Oh, yes, of course, I said what’s, the secret to 52 years, and the lady said: well, you can’t.
Just love got a touch, everybody, cracked up, you know – and I said well so you you still at this age of great physical passion, that’s, of course, and he said, oh, my god, I live for it. He’s 92 right and I said well what’s, the secret to your physical passion and she said: well, we try anything once if we like it.
We do it again. Okay, that’s good. So if you think about a relationship other than the maintenance of some responsibility, people today in our society won’t. Do things just for responsibility? They’ve, been taught to focus on themselves.
Unfortunately, and while we all have to have a sense of responsibility, what’s, even greater it’s like discipline, discipline, never works long-term. Never what works is when you become addicted to something positively new.
You trade, one addiction for another. When you shift from having to doing something to wanting to do something, so our focus is how to make that happen. I’d, say this to you. If you want to change a relationship, the number one thing you have to do is master your own emotions.
If you don’t, do that forget it there’s, no hope, and what’s? Wonderful, though, is it’s, easy to do if you know how, but none of us have been taught really emotional leadership. Emotional management is a very minimum, much less how to direct and shape ourselves.
I don’t, mean faking your emotions and I mean pushing them down. I don’t believe in positive thinking, although you may think that from watching you know some of the media coverage. Cuz people see me in an audience and there’s, 12,000 people and they’re jumping and leaping and people are just in this motivational stuff.
It’s, not that it’s. That energy is part of life and if you’re sitting passively listening, you’re, not gonna be able isn’t very long, certainly not fifty hours, and they’d, like that, if you turned on And you saw a rock and roll concert, you’d, see people cheering going for it.
If you went to a sporting event, why do people do it? Because there’s, an energy there, so I create that in those environments. But I’m, not into positive thinking. I’m, not here tonight to tell you to go to your garden and say there’s.
No weeds there’s, no weeds there’s. No leads there’s no leads. No. I’m very clear that I believe that life is about leadership and being truthful to yourself, and so I believe, number one that the mandate for any great relationship, a mandate for anybody to lead their own life and not be a followers.
You got to see things as they are, but not worse than they are because that’s, where most people go, that’s where they go on relationship that’s, why they start to tear it down that’s why the relationship starts to break down, because people get scared when isn’t working out, and then they make it worse than it is so they don’t have to try because they don & # 39.
T want to try again and be disappointed. They don’t want to feel that sense of rejection they don’t want to feel that sense of failure, so most people make it much worse than it is people. Tell me all the time I’m skeptical or I’m pessimistic.
I said no, no, you’re gutless. It takes no guts. It takes no courage to be a pessimist to say it’s, not gonna work to try to find out what’s wrong. What’s? Wrong is always available. So what’s right? So I’m, not into positive thinking, but I am into intelligence and intelligence says see it as it is.
Don’t make it worse than it is. I meet people all the time say uh-huh. My problem is, I’m big-boned. No, you’re freaking fat. Tell the truth. You know what is this big-boned story? You know the only way it gets better is.
If you can see that it is don’t, make it worse than it is don’t. Try to make it so it’s impossible to change that’s, not true! It’s. Not true at all the second mandate, I think, to changing anything in your life to believe in your life is once you see it as it is not worse, it is, then you got to see it better than it is because that’s.
The things missing for most relationships there’s, no vision, I mean without a vision and the Bible, it says people what Farish and what a relationship has no vision for greater than where they are that relationship is going downhill if not destroyed.
I believe that every relationship, every part of life, every part of a human being needs a compelling future. If the future is not more compelling than today, today could be tough, but are the futures compelling we can get there and that’s? What every leader does and every one of you in this room – and I know some of you – are here – I guess from the general public as well just for your own relationships.
I really acknowledge you for, but I know that you’re from the military here and all the therapist here, people from all walks of life, you’re all leaders. What’s, your job, to lead your job is to help people see it as it is not worse than it is.
What’s? Your job help them create a compelling future, see it better than it is so there’s, a reason to get my all again. Otherwise, there’s, just no juice. There’s, no energy. Why? They’ll, go through the motions complain with each other, not really believe it’s gonna work and nothing will change and then finally, the third step that we’ve all got to do.
If we’re gonna change, our life or anybody else & # 39, s is make it the way we see it and that’s. Where strategy comes in, I try to take things that are complex and make him as simple as possible. I’ve noticed most people in Psychological will try to make it as complex as humanly possible because it makes us feel so sophisticated.
We can talk with all these complex words and elements and so forth that we can really. You know we got our degrees. I mean we’re somebody, but you know what that doesn’t help anybody. So I look for a nickle word and not trying to sound harsh, to get to the cart of something I’ll.
Try to take something complex to make it simple, so that people really will apply it and that’s. The focus here so, if you’re, not gonna talk about relationships as a whole and say what are they? I come back to the base of it.
It’s, all emotion, that’s. All it is if two people are both high as a kite, fearing they’re having the time of their life, their life is going well. Their work is going well everything’s going well. What kind of relationship with these two people gonna? Have you tell me good great average terrible? What is it come on yelled out, you know it’s, gonna be great cuz in an emotional high and an emotional high.
Everyone communicates well when they’re in a great state, isn’t, it true men and women. Even men communicate well when they’re in a great state right. Is it true? So this is the key now, if you & # 39, ve got those same two people and they’re in a ok state.
You know life’s. Ok, this is ok. Kids are okay, kurz, ok, mother laws. Ok, today, whatever, if they’re, both ok, what’s? The state gonna be like what’s. The relationship can like you, can predict it. What’s gonna, be like good great average? What would you say average if both people are suffering, they’re hurting? They’re in pain, frustration or their work overwhelmed with their kids? You know some challenge with a family member hitting a stage of life where they’re questioning their identity or their future or what they can do.
They don’t have a compelling future and they’re, both in a low state. You tell me, you know it. You & # 39. Ve, got the experience, what kind of relationship good bad great horrible? What would you say? A quick sucks technical term.
Thank you, sir. It sucks. Yes, that relationship is going to suck in the technical term. That relationship is going to have huge challenges, because in that state you’re in the danger zone. People are gonna, say things they’re gonna react to each other.
They’re gonna respond in ways that really aren’t reflection of who they are. They’re reflection of the state. They’re in how many of you have ever snapped at somebody had nothing to do with them was just the state you’re in your body was hurting.
You’re, going to something who’s ever done. This raise your hand say, but the problem is. We have a much higher standard of what we expect from our spouse and when they do something like that, we rarely forget it all.
Right and so then it starts to stack so as Khloe described the process of stacking great memories. Most people get to where they are to the point of seeking you out because they stack the negative experiences they didn’t just take one experience and come to you.
It’s, a series of experiences, usually just active, stacked and stacked. Until now it’s like if I took my own room here, and I rubbed your arm like this no problem. But if you get a scab there – and we touched you with a feather – you’re gonna jump out of your skin – that’s, the same thing of where people are so building emotional.
Fitness is the number one gift you can give anybody, because otherwise they come sit down and I can’t stand it when I sit down with couples like this. There’s such whiners, and I just told Matt he does this.
She does that, do you know what you sound like? Let me record this and play it back for you, because we live in a world where everybody’s focused on what they’re, not getting, and as you do that there is no relationship, a relationship when your love with somebody.
What will you do for them? What it’s, not a trade! It’s, not okay. I did this because you did that that’s, it all. You have as a transaction that’s. Why? I honestly don’t like the word partner because partner it’s, a transaction.
You get a business going, we got a deal here. We’ve got some rules that we abide by, and I think that that is a reflection of what most marriages become today, because our culture has hypnotized us our cultures hypnotized us into believing that this is what you should adjust to and frankly, I Know many therapists who are constantly trying to adjust to someone and say well.
No, this is just if they’re just at this stage of your relationship. This is where it is. No, that’s, spark that people have initially can come alive at any point, but it can’t happen without the emotional fitness, so you and I, if we’re gonna transfer this to somebody else.
Frankly, we got to have it too and think about this base of emotional fitness is energy. If you’re exhausted, how the hell are you gonna, have passion in your relationship. I mean people come home and it’s like even be especially let’s, say ones, kind of excited, for whatever reason kind of frisky excited be with that person.
Let’s say that lucky moment happens. Usually I was like oh honey. I love this wonderful but uh. I I’m exhausted. I got ta eat something I got this to do tonight. I got to prepare for that. I got to answer my 500 emails and it just drops to the floor so here’s.
The scary part, I think most therapists accept this as a standard. Like you know this phase the relationship, this excitement, this passion can’t last because, frankly, you’re tired, most of you all day, long are dealing with so much of other people’s, stuff dealing with the day after Day there’s, a staffing for you too.
Now why don’t we apply it. We’re, smart people, we’re, intelligent people, I’ll. Tell you why two reasons? The main reason is that everyone in this room, including myself, we have a horrible experience, and that is we went to a 20th century school.
I call it horrible because it conditioned all of us for to be passive. Just like you & # 39, ve been for the first 10-15 minutes. My talking, you’re all in your school room classroom. I can see you you’re, being very nice to me, and I’m, very grateful for it, but see what at a twentieth-century school prepare you for it trained you, since you were four or five years old to get you ready For a job in the twentieth century which no longer exists, the 20 century job, you are going to be an industrialized job, so the bell rings at school.
And what you do you mean the report to your desk. Your position that later on, you would report to write, think he’d, be getting a job on a line and when you get there, what are you supposed to do? You’re supposed to sit down, shut up and wait for someone to tell you what to do.
Don’t speak until he thought what to do, and then do that and by the way, do not talk to your neighbor. How many heard this growing out when you’re in school? All the time say AK me too. Now I was a talker, so I was in trouble.
I had a fifth grade teacher mr. Giles that used to drive me crazy because he wanted silence. All the time, every minute he wanted silence, I think he just hated kids, so he was like really quiet. He used to make me write.
These 10,000 word essays. Why I will never talk again in class. I wrote six of these in his class 10,000 words each. I went to my high school reunion, true story, my 10-year high school reunion. There are several teachers there there’s.
Mr. Giles and went up to my said. You know this talking thing worked out pretty good for me here’s. My point, though, my point is, we’ve all been taught to passively take in information right, so, as you’re sitting here right now, even if you having a good time blue, this is interesting.
If this makes sense or mani. Has big teeth and whatever you’re thinking inside your head? You know if you’re sitting here in your paws, even if you’ve had a good time. The state of mind you’re in gets linked to what you’re learning, that’s.
Why, when I work with people, if you’re passive, they listen even if they agree with you yeah. That makes sense yeah that’s, really good. Think it’s linked to that state so later on, they feel equally inspired about doing it yeah.
So today, if you don & # 39, t talk to your neighbor, you’re out of business today. If you wait for someone to tell you what to do it’s over, especially in a relationship. If you’re gonna make anything happen today that’s, to be completely proactive and different, and yet we’re all still hypnotized.
So I’m gonna ask you to try something new and that new thing is this: when we’re acting when we’re doing this seminar right now, we take some information in. If you listen to me passively research shows you & # 39, ll, remember less than 10 % of what I said within three months.
In fact, some studies is less than 30 days, which basically means you wasted your night nighted. If you listen to take a few notes, research shows, even if you don & # 39, t, read the notes again. It goes up to 40 to 50 % retention, because just the physical act of writing it down drives the groove deeper in your body.
If you listen and you take notes and you physically actively use your body, it goes up to 90 95 percent that’s like if you yell back the answer. If you engage your nervous system because the groove goes into an active mode, not just a deeper memory, so I’m gonna ask you a couple things.
One is the vastra question. If you would yell back the answer that’s, not so we have a rah-rah session here because, as I told you, I don’t believe in positive thinking, but because it & # 39, ll go deeper and your energy be higher.
How many won’t? Do this say? Ah all those opposed motion, scary. Okay, second thing is: if you really want to shift, then the fastest way to change your life is to get back in the growth mode. I don’t care.
What it is, if you want to know what makes people happy it’s, one word progress. It’s, not achievement. Achievement gives you happiness for a moment, or maybe a week or whatever, whatever it is. You think you’ve got when you get there.
It doesn’t last, because life is growth. We’re gonna grow it or die, and we all know the phrase, but it’s because it’s. True, you know, phrases have been overused and sound stupid at this point. It really uses because they’re accurate and you’re gonna be alive progress.
Is it if you want your body to feel alive? You & # 39. Ve got a big progress. If you want your relationship to be alive, there’s got to be progress. If people experience progress, they are happy. If they don’t, they won’t, be I don’t care what they achieve.
I don’t care where they go so progress. If you’re gonna make it the first place to start together is being like a kid again. It’s, getting people to break their patterns. All the problems in relationships are based on patterns.
You interrupt the pattern. It doesn’t work. It’s so easy. But to do that, you got to break your own to do that. You got ta, have enough energy. So what I’m gonna ask you to do is to be a kid again, because when you’re a kid you try anything right.
Kids will do anything if a kid tries something it doesn’t work. They don’t feel like a failure. They just get up and try something else, but if an adult try something it doesn’t work, they go. Anybody see that no never doing that.
Crap again. It’s. Bizarre. So here’s. What I believe, what’s missing from relationships? What’s missing from people’s lives? Most people have a low standard for what they expect from themselves. That’s, it.
That’s, it sorry to be so simple, but that’s. It, and so the way to raise your stand around is get around where it’s better. Unless something hit you because most people, don’t have great role models and when it comes the physical body, I started notice.
All my friends talking. I’m getting old. They’re. Forty eight forty-five years old forty. So I decide I’m gonna spend the next year interviewing people that are over the age of 65. I’m gonna, seek them out and find them who are role models for me, because I want people over age 65 that are extreme athletes that are performing me better than twenty-five and thirty year olds, because I’m gonna Find out what it is that makes them tick cuz that’s.
What I want, I want a long, passionate extraordinary life, so the first woman I found 72 years old, sister Madonna Catholic nun, who did not exercise in any consistent way till she was 40 at 40. She was getting a little plump and decided she was gonna.
Go for a little walk and each day she walked a block further within a year. She was running 10 KS, then, all of a sudden marathons and from the age of 40 picture this to the age of 72, and I interviewed her over those 32 years.
She ran more than 350 iron men. Now I mean this is unbeliev. I want you to picture this. Waking up on your 72nd vertices me, 71st birthday. You fly to Hawaii to celebrate your 71st birthday. You wake up that morning, decide the way you’re gonna celebrate your birthday is to run an Ironman, so you get in the morning.
You’re 71 on your birthday and you run out marathon. Then, after you marathon, you go for what a two and half mile swim they have to. Let you jump on your bike for 100 miles now picture this. You’re at Mile 45 roughly and you are passing 35 year-old men better.
Yet pretend you’re the 35 year old man that a 71 year old woman is passing sister Madonna gots a mile. I forget the exact mile, but about 67 68 69. She was more than three-quarters. She only has like 25 miles to go the whole thing’s done, and she’s on the Big Island of Hawaii.
And if you’ve not been there, it’s beautiful, but it’s. Desolate because you know what’s happened. Is there’s, no trees? All this lavas come down and wiped out everything. So it’s very rocky, and since there’s, no blockage there’s, lots of wind and the winds picking up and it’s coming right at her and she’s.
Coming to the end of this thing, she’s, you know maybe got 25 miles to go, and the winds picked up to 35 miles an hour, then almost 40 miles an hour and she became a Flying. Nun did pick the wind snapped her and her bike Luther.
He smashed her on the rocks. She broke, her hip split, her clavicle cut her face. They took away in an ambulance the next year. They started to vote. They were deciding that they’re, not gonna. Let anybody over the age of 55 do this because it’s too dangerous.
So she protests that he came up and did it again at the age of 70 snip and completed it. How’s that for some determination, huh think of those standards? Think of what’s possible? You know you have it first, I’m tired.
I’m stressed they’re 50. I interviewed a man 98 years old. I weigh admit him is at the New York City each year they have a race up the Empire State, Building up the stairs and obviously most people running or 20 25 30 years old, maybe 35, 98 years old running up the Empire State Building steps as they Warm up to the Boston Marathon, so here’s.
What I say to you: if you want to bring a gift back to the clients you work with the first one you’re gonna bring, is a renewed energy. A different standard of what you expect from yourself, because the energy is trans for the people, words by themselves, don’t.
Do it. If you take these words and you think of words like a little stick pen, I know you buy a bathroom and we’ll. Stick them that’s, a word! I throw it at you. Will you feel it maybe? But if you wire to the back of it, an iron bar called emotion boom.
You can put that right through somebody’s heart and it’s hard to do that. If you don’t rejuvenate yourself, so here’s, what I like to do ever seen a kid walk through a living room and they kind of like you know how old somebody is by the way they move.
Don’t you, the older somebody, is the less they move. Total rigidity is also known as death. Now just watch you can’t. Do this when they & # 39. Re kids account like walking around. They walk you’re living like this.
Also they go. Oh you just keep on walking like nothing’s happened. Whoever did this when your kid come on, say. Ah, okay. Well, I want you to get in that kind of a playful mode. My way of looking at this is this: if you’re, not a kid, you’re, not flexible.
If you’re, not a kid, you’re, not still learning. If you can be in that mode, you don’t. Take yourself so seriously can add so much more value. So my view is at 47, I’m, still a kid and the way I use this is this metaphor.
In my mind, I imagine that my metaphor, for life always is a test, is if I’m walking along there’s, been a big rainstorm, and now there’s, a big puddle in your way, regardless of your chronological Age, your psychological age is the one affects you, isn’t it I mean you know these people.
I talk to you about chronologically the role that psychologically they’re much younger than 20 year olds. So if there’s, a puddle in your way and you’re, an old person mentally. How do you deal with a puddle? Come on guys? What do you do? No, you, don’t just walk around it.
You walk around the puddle and mode while you walk around it. Isn’t that what all people do? What does the kid do when they see that puddle? What do they do right? How many of you want to be a kid with me for just about 90 minutes? You can always go back to being an old fart later, if you want to raise your hand, say hi.
Okay, I’m gonna give you a test. Stand up shake you body out, you’ve, been sitting for a while stretch. A little bit go up to one side, give it a deep moan. Oh, come on mo another way, back mode forward, deep moan kind of shake your body a little bit.
Get a little blood flowing in there again now, what determines the quality of a person’s relationship more than anything else? Well, there are lots of answers that question I wouldn’t say there’s, any right answer, but I would say to you: the number one thing is their level of emotional fitness now their emotional fitness, though, could be determined by a Lot of things, but the most basis of it is how you feel emotionally has to do basically with your psychology, doesn’t your mindset, your model of the world.
The way you interpret what things mean because meaning produces emotion, change somebody psychology can change their life. Don’t. Do that nothing else changes. I have a friend who just made a documentary called the war tapes.
She was offered to go to Iraq and to be embedded with the members of the National Guard or whatever it was in the state she was in, and she said you don’t wan na do. Instead, I want to give the troopers cameras and let them shoot if you haven’t seen this documentary.
It’s unbelievably intense and beautiful, because it shows war on all the levels of it. You see the humanity of it. The inhumanity of it shot through these men’s eyes, but the reason I tell you the story as I asked her what moved her most and she said there was one man she followed up with who was blown up and she went to the Hospital to see him – and she said Tony, she said just brought tears to my eyes because I walked in and had this big smile on his face and his left arm is gone and she said you know I sat down with him.
He was sitting at the table and we started talking and she said I couldn’t believe it I thought. Maybe he’s on drugs. Maybe he’s in shock. Maybe he’s, just trying to put on a good front, and she said he was genuinely grateful to be alive and happy and grateful to God, and she said well why he said, because I’m a righty here’S the killer, piece, what she told me she said they talked for an hour and a half.
She said she left feeling stupid about the things she feels bad about in her life and feeling so grateful. She’d, been with this man. At the end he pushed away from the table and he had no legs, he lost his legs and his arm only mentioned was he’s? A riot II didn’t even talk about the legs, so most of us are unfit emotionally, which means something in our psychology as made us weak part of it is how do you build the muscles push through difficult times and most of us today In our society, what we think is difficult would be somebody else’s idea the greatest dream on this earth, and people forgot that so they get [, __, ] and whiny and complaining about the littlest stupid things.
So we got to start with ourselves. So let’s. Learn about your psychology first. Shall we let’s? Do a little test, put your hands out like this and when I say now putting them together like this. When I say now, but I like people, anticipate that’s, good ready now ready now ready, now keep your hands together.
Extensive psychological research over 35 years has shown something interesting just like in relationships we develop patterns or not even event noticing, like no matter how many times are putting hands apart bring them together.
You’ll, usually have the exact same thumb, but you’ll drop on if your left thumb is on top of your right thumb. Research shows that the driving force in your psychology is the desire for sex, and you’re, an incredible lover.
If, however, when you brought your hands together and put them back on top, if your right thumb is on top of your left thumb and the driving force and your psychology is the desire to be intelligent and you will make a difference and be financially free in Your lifetime check out this man, he’s, got a thumb fight though I want the sex of the money in the sex or the money.
If your thumbs didn’t cross, they just wind up equally like this. It means you think you’re, sexy, rich and smart. You’re number 3, and never will be. This has nothing to do anything just making sure you’re awake.
Okay, shake your body out, okay, how many degree that if your emotion is high, you can deal with stuff a hell of a lot better say: aye company agree in a relationships a hell of a lot better. When your eyes say aye good, then let’s, see how to go from high to low and how you do it, because the illusion is something makes us feel a certain way, but the truth of the matter is, you can say they set this And it pissed me off well, somebody else could have said and it doesn’t piss you off.
So all this is a belief about how to respond, but the emotion itself you trigger even good emotions. If, like you kiss somebody in Wham, mr. happy comes the full attention you’re so excited: where does that feeling come from? Does it come from wet tissue, touching wet tissue? No, if that was true kissing your dog would excite you.
It’s because you have a belief in your head that someone who’s shaped like this. Somebody shares the same spiritual values. If somebody kisses me like this, why am I feel like this? But if they & # 39, re, not spiritual like me or if they’re shaped like this or they kiss like this.
You go like this. It’s, a belief system, emotions that they’re Ross form are always available and we do emotions they. Don’t happen to us and that’s. The lesson we want to get in our bodies. We can teach our clients and here’s.
What I want you to see emotion is created by emotion. Emotion comes from the way you move. If I said to you, there was a depressed person behind curtain number one over here and for a $ 100,000 donation to your favorite charity.
If you could describe their physical body without even seeing them, I know you could do it. Tell me with your posture like quick, nice and loud, what is it where’s, their head? Where are their eyes, breathing full of shallow muscles in their face up and tight or slack now how come whatever mm? Have you all agree, because you’ve practiced this crap before haven’t you then, if you take something like that and you change their physical body, so science shows today you just radically change their physical body.
You change their biochemistry like that. It’s, not a fake thing, like hiding your emotion of pretending to be happy a radical change. The body produces a radical change in emotion, so let’s. Do a subtle little test for this.
I want you, shake your body out and here’s. I want you to do in a moment. I’m gonna. Ask you to approach five or six people as quick as you can next minute or two and introduce yourself to people, but when you introduce yourself to them, I want you to do it in a very specific way.
In a very specific state of mind, I want you to greet people as if you feel like meeting them is a total waste of your time right. They’re scum. Why do you have to meet them? So it might look something like this.
You, sir, come here, give it what’s, your name, what Frank bill get out of here! Okay, now, as therapist knows to be very difficult, but if you go with me, but what I want you to do is deliberately put yourself in a state where it’s.
A wait who here has ever been pissed off or frustrated, raise your hands say aye. I want you to deliberately get in this frustrated state likes a waste of your time and the reason I wants you to do this is I want you to notice not only how somebody greets you and how it feels that’s obvious.
I want you to notice what do you have to do with your body to go? If you really do this legitimately, we put yourself in a state where it’s, a waste of your time. It’s, frustrating a little pissed off.
What are you gonna? Do the muscles in your face to get in that state of mind? What happens you’re breathing to get that state of mind? How do you have to change it? How do you move what gets tense in your body? You go straight towards them, or do you hesitate, you talk louder or more quiet, faster, slow.
I want you notice the physical things you have to do to go in the state. Now, if you don & # 39, t, do this like, if you just do it kind of half weird it’ll, be like? Why are we doing this stupid exercise, be like a kid not like a boring adult so stay and stay notice?